Today....

It should really be entitled tonight...
I am having a hard time sleeping tonight.
I awoke this morning to a text message from my husband, telling me that he had been up since five in the morning, and he couldn't sleep because he was missing me....
To say that those words break my heart is an understatement.

Dennis and I have been married now for 13 years and 6 months. We have had our ups and our downs, but we have never been through anything like this.
When we moved "home" 4 years ago, we had all those months to discuss the impact that this decision would have on our family. Not just the five of us, but our ENTIRE family. I don't think that we knew what we were getting ourselves into.

Our marriage has been reduced to e mails, text messages and phone calls. Sometimes, it is to talk of nothing, sometimes it is to talk of everything.
I have heard all of the sayings...that which hurts us only makes us stronger...God never gives us more than we can handle....absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The thing is...my husband is a Chief in the United States Navy. He signed a contract that made his life no longer his own, one that made him become property of the US Military.
We didn't come in his sea bag, but we have been there every step of the way.
I have questioned our decision on more than one occassion, and we are only six months into this four year separation.

I do not believe that we made the wrong choice. I have weighed the pros, I have considered the cons. The cons outweigh the pros as far as packing up and leaving.
When we married, I did not know what I was "getting into". I don't think that any spouse of a military personnal does. I believe with every ounce of my being that the wedding vows should be different for us. I think that they should not just include the for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.
It should also include...through sea trials and deployments, through unexpected wars and duties, do you understand what this life will lead you to?

We were 22 years old when we got married. A ready made family with a baby on the way. Eventually, there were three children total who's little lives we also were responsible for. 13 moves in less than ten years is not what you would wish when raising a family, but it is part of this life. As I posted earlier, a beautiful disaster of a life.

I sang "Where've You been?" by Kathy Mattea to my husband on our wedding day...

Pam had all but given up when she and Dennis fell in love....she touched his face and shook her head, in disbelief she sighed and said...in many dreams, I've held you near, now at last your really here...
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day.
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away.
He asked for her hand for life...and she became a sailor's wife. He was home each night by eight, but one stormy evening, he was late...
Her frightened tears fell to the floor...until his key turned in the door....
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and day.
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away.
They never spent a night apart...
For 60 years she heard him snore...now their in the hospital...
In separate beds on different floors...
Pam soon lost her memory...forgot the names of family.
She never spoke a word again, but then one day they wheeled him in....
He held her hand and stroked her head
And in a fragile voice..she said......
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day....
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away...no, I'm just not myself when you're away......

If I had known then what I know now, I would have foreseen into the future that the chorus to that song was a perfect fit for the life that that 22 year old girl was about to lead....with her beautiful husband, and beautiful children.
I am the proud wife of a United States Navy Chief.
I am the proud wife of a man who believes in what he does, and does it in the best possible way.
I am the proud wife of a man who leads his people in such a way that they respect him and I am proud that I can call him my husband....
But I am just not myself when you're away......