Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It has been months since I have been on here, and I thought that tonight was an opportunity that I could not pass up!
I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds tonight, and it was a good one. HOWEVER, the reaction that it warranted from me was not one that I expected....The ending of the episode was emotional, and mother nature being what it is, well, let's just say the emotions are running high right now.
Anyhow, I started tearing up, and then one fell, and then they allllllll came tumbling down like a waterfall.
As I sat here, pondering, as I am sobbing, as to what the root of my problem may be, I came to the conclusion that it is another "moment" in the life of me.
My husband has been gone now for a little over two months, and for the most part, I THINK that I have done very well. I have become an EXPERT at hiding away, avoiding phone calls, and only coming out to play when I feel like it, which isn't very often.
I try to keep my routine to a minimal stress, which does not tend to happen, but I am also the mother of three children who keep me on my toes, the owner of a house that isn't going to clean itself. There is laundry to be done, before the pile swallows me whole...I swear that it whispered to me the other day as I walked by the laundry room door *CLEAN ME!* Ugh. I HATE laundry!
There is a dog who is neurotic, and smelly, but I love him, and there is the ever present absence of a key member of our little family in the form of my husband, a United States Sailor.

That being said, I would like to explain a few things.
It is NONE of your damn business how much money we make while my husband is deployed.
We could make a million dollars for the nine months that he is missing, and then some, and it STILL would not compare to the price that we pay in having to have him in the middle of some foreign war for months on end, with our only comminications being an email (that MAY or MAY NOT GO THROUGH) and a phone call, if we are lucky enough. We are doing what we have to do to get by. Do NOT question me on the way that I run things. Do NOT judge me if I do not have the mental capacities to be whoever I am expected to be. I am who I am, and if you don't like it, then don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

I need help, all the time. I am too proud to ask, I won't ask but a few people, but if you know I am having a hard time, don't say to me when I finally break, "why didn't you ask for help?" Because you IDIOT! I shouldn't have to!
I help whoever I can, when I can. No questions asked, I do not judge, I do not worry, I do not penalize. I just do it, because I can. Becuase I WANT to. Because I am more aware of the things that go on around me than the average person, moreso than people think. I am VERY in tune with the feelings of others, and I ALWAYS try to take people's feelings into consideration. THAT being said, how about taking MINE into onsideration for once?
In this life, I have learned who to rely on, and who not to. I have learned the value of a dollar. Of opting to put food on the table over paying a cell phone bill. I have learned how to make a meal out of three ingredients, to the point that it could feed as many as needed. I have also learned that our children are the three strongest rocks that I have. They are the ones that pick up those pieces on my "days". They are the ones, picking away with me at the laundry, and the chores, and the picking up of the insane dog's crap.
I do not go to church. I did, but it wasn't for me, where I was.
I LOVE to sing, and play piano, but I don't have time to do those things.
I want to go back to school. I want to become a business owner, and open my own restaraunt.
I want to start my own catering business. I want to be a good wife and a good mother, daughter, sister, friend....I want to be all of those things and more.
But I WILL NOT ask forgiveness if I fall short. I will NOT apologize for a bad day, or for being ANGERY because of the fact that I am missing my husband and my children are missing their father. I will NOT accept ONE MORE PERSON telling me that I knew the life that I was getting into when I married Dennis, because even 14 years later, it IS NOT easier. Walk in my shoes, and THEN you can criticize me, but you won't. Because it will be understood exactly what it is that I do. Why it is that I feel the way that I feel. How it is to hurt, and have to comfort little hearts and big ones be the strong one, when all you want is to break down.
So , that is how much we make. We make it in missed birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. We make it with miles and months, and years separating us. We make all the milestones that are taken for granted by the average person.....and we deposit THAT into our bank accounts.
Let's much of a check would you write for a life that is lead like this?