Sunday, October 9, 2011

As I....

As I sat this morning, on my front porch, watching the leaves dance, and the cool fall breeze brushed my face, I felt more at peace than I have in a while. Yesterday was a low day for me, a hard day. I don't like feeling that way, at all. I have not felt like that in many, many days. The thing is that I have to take a step back and re-evaluate what goes on in my heart and head. I have to think things through, and realize that everyone isn't going to understand where I am coming from, because no one walks in my shoes.
I am not afraid to say what is on my mind, or to speak what is in my heart. I have no problem coming across as a bitch, lover, mom, wife, sister, aunt, daughter or friend. I know how to use the words that I learned when I was just a wee little one.
Because of those words, I have been given a gift of word vomit.
Yep, I said it.
Definition: Opening your mouth and having everything that is inside of you spill out all at once.
I know that this should see funny, but really it isn't. It has gotten me in trouble at times, and at other times, opened up doors that hadn't been.
So, my word vomit for tonight is this...
I talked with an old, dear friend tonight. Thanks to her, I got a lot off of my chest. Things that I haven't been able to talk about with anyone, for fear of causing what is already broken to go beyond repair.
I was able to just let everything go, and to cry a little, and laugh a lot. I was able to be me for a moment in time, where I didn't have to watch what I said, or what I did, knowing that if it was not what others expected, I wouldn't be questioned to death.
I took peace in the sounds of our laughter. I took peace in the feeling of anxiety that left me when I hung up the phone with her, because that anxious feeling returned today, even watching those leaves dance, and that breeze brush my face.
I have had many people walk in and out of my life, and I know who is true. I know who is there until the end of time, no matter what. If you can't love me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. And I will have bad days, and I will have moments of word vomit that you won't agree with, but I am a good person. A kind person. I am the type to pay for the car behind me at Dunkin Donuts, just to pay it forward a little because I never know what kind of day anyone is having. I try to smile and make eye contact.
Because you can tell.
You can see it if you really look.
You can see sadness, happiness, fear, rage, can see it all in the eyes. And when you see it, don't ignore it, do something about it. Even if it is something as simple as holding a door, or making up the extra change that the mom with three kids in front of you doesn't have.
I want to be happy. I want to live free. These are things that evade me sometimes. And I don't look for reasons to be miserable, they just seem to find me. Thank goodness I have an outlet to release what I feel......
because there are people that don't know how to. There are people that cannot let go. And this is the best way that I could ever think of for letting go. I need to let go of the negative. Need to keep the positive.
Instead of being angry that I did something for someone, and I didn't get a thank you, I need to know that I did it because I wanted to, not because I wanted recognition for it (although it is awfully nice to receive said recognition LOL)
In all fairness, I don't write my blogs because I am looking for sympathy or kind words. I write them because if I don't, then I start to implode. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I wrote anything until I started reading through.
And when I realized that, I came to see that it was time to start sharing again. Because through sharing what I am thinking, feeling, seeing, hearing, I am able to receive a chain reaction. And I never know who is going to see this, but maybe, just maybe, someone out there is feeling the same way I am. And it could be that someone just didn't think that there was anyone that was in that same place.
It helps, it really helps.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's been a while......

I am ANGRY. No, I am PISSED OFF. That is the best way to describe how I am feeling right now. I am pissed off at the world, and there is nothing that anyone can do about it without walking in my shoes.
I am tired of having to explain myself to anyone, doesn't matter who. I am tired of having to try and help people understand that what goes on inside of me, the neverending whirlwind of anxiety and depression, is something that I have to fight with everyday.
Every single day is a struggle for me. Whether it be a simple task of doing a load of laundry, or taking out the trash, even just getting out of bed. I don't want to. I want the world to go away, and to just hole myself up where no one can see me, talk to me, ask me how I am. You wanna know how I am? Read the above first two lines.
I pour my time and energy into my family and my friends. I reap the rewards of smiles that wouldn't be there, and laughter that is brought on by being together. I see someone having a hard time, I want to do something to fix it, because that is what I do. I am a fixer. I am only now just realizing, I cannot and never will be able to, fix everything. I can't mend a broken heart. I can't heal a pain that I don't understand. I can't reach out to someone who doesn't want to let people in. I can't, I can't, I can't. I hate those words. I can do those things, because I am a force of nature. I am one who doesn't take no for a an answer, because that is how I was raised, that is who I am.

I miss my husband. I am pissed off becuase of all of the firsts that he has missed. I miss my family being whole, and who we all are when together. I feel broken when we are apart. And I can't fix that without breaking more hearts along the way, inlcuding my own. Sometimes, the breath is knocked right out of me when I go to tell my husband something and realize that he isn't there. And not only is he not there, but the only thing I can do is TRY to send a text message that I am not sure will ever get there because he is out to sea most of the time. And when we do talk, we connect. We meet somewhere in the middle and for just a moment in time, I feel whole again. Like the piece of me that was missing has finally found its way back home.
My kids miss their father. When their little hearts are breaking, and they want to know when dad is coming home again, I am the one left with the job of telling them that it is three months away, or two weeks away, and the only joy I get from being the one to tell them is that I can surprise them when I know he is coming and they don't. THOSE are moments I would never take back.
I'm trying to figure out what I do wrong....not a pity party, what did I do to deserve this...but instead trying to figure out the wrong choices I have made, and trying to make the right ones. So far, I have barely succeeded. I have been told that I am doing things wrong, that people don't agree with my decisions as a parent, or as a person. That I do this too much, and that too little. I have definitely learned who I can talk to, and who I cannot. Who I can be myself with, and who I have to put that happy face on for. I have tried. I have tried hard.
In my efforts, I am raising my children on my own. I am keeping my marriage together through text messages and here and there phone calls. I help my friends and family when they need it, if I can do it. I am trying to breath without feeling like I am gasping for air...which isn't everyday, but when it does happen, it is not something I can really control. I paste that smile on my face, and don't feel it in my heart.
My heart has been broken, and glued back together again. Like humpty dumpty. I have picked up the pieces of betrayal, outrage, and hurt, and put them all in the trash can, and pulled up my big girl panties and moved on. But I don't know if I can do it anymore, because to be honest, I am really really PISSED OFF.
People think they have a right to say things that they don't. And they think that it is out of " good intentions" when in fact, all it is is hurtful, and just mean. And when I fight back, I get burned, repeatedly.
People don't know how to be kind, courteous, respectful, even thankful. They don't know how simple it could be to just say a kind word, not just to me, but anyone.
Hey, you're doing a great job, I am proud of you. I admire what you are doing. I'm here if you need me, and I really mean it....those are some of the biggest things.

I just really need to get some stuff off of my chest. And as I sit here tonight,tears rolling down my face, chest tight, I don't know if it did me good, or bad, but I know that I said what was in my heart. And that is all that we can do. Be honest, be good, be kind. You never know what a difference it will make in a persons life, including mine.