I am ANGRY. No, I am PISSED OFF. That is the best way to describe how I am feeling right now. I am pissed off at the world, and there is nothing that anyone can do about it without walking in my shoes.
I am tired of having to explain myself to anyone, doesn't matter who. I am tired of having to try and help people understand that what goes on inside of me, the neverending whirlwind of anxiety and depression, is something that I have to fight with everyday.
Every single day is a struggle for me. Whether it be a simple task of doing a load of laundry, or taking out the trash, even just getting out of bed. I don't want to. I want the world to go away, and to just hole myself up where no one can see me, talk to me, ask me how I am. You wanna know how I am? Read the above first two lines.
I pour my time and energy into my family and my friends. I reap the rewards of smiles that wouldn't be there, and laughter that is brought on by being together. I see someone having a hard time, I want to do something to fix it, because that is what I do. I am a fixer. I am only now just realizing, I cannot and never will be able to, fix everything. I can't mend a broken heart. I can't heal a pain that I don't understand. I can't reach out to someone who doesn't want to let people in. I can't, I can't, I can't. I hate those words. I can do those things, because I am a force of nature. I am one who doesn't take no for a an answer, because that is how I was raised, that is who I am.
I miss my husband. I am pissed off becuase of all of the firsts that he has missed. I miss my family being whole, and who we all are when together. I feel broken when we are apart. And I can't fix that without breaking more hearts along the way, inlcuding my own. Sometimes, the breath is knocked right out of me when I go to tell my husband something and realize that he isn't there. And not only is he not there, but the only thing I can do is TRY to send a text message that I am not sure will ever get there because he is out to sea most of the time. And when we do talk, we connect. We meet somewhere in the middle and for just a moment in time, I feel whole again. Like the piece of me that was missing has finally found its way back home.
My kids miss their father. When their little hearts are breaking, and they want to know when dad is coming home again, I am the one left with the job of telling them that it is three months away, or two weeks away, and the only joy I get from being the one to tell them is that I can surprise them when I know he is coming and they don't. THOSE are moments I would never take back.
I'm trying to figure out what I do wrong....not a pity party, what did I do to deserve this...but instead trying to figure out the wrong choices I have made, and trying to make the right ones. So far, I have barely succeeded. I have been told that I am doing things wrong, that people don't agree with my decisions as a parent, or as a person. That I do this too much, and that too little. I have definitely learned who I can talk to, and who I cannot. Who I can be myself with, and who I have to put that happy face on for. I have tried. I have tried hard.
In my efforts, I am raising my children on my own. I am keeping my marriage together through text messages and here and there phone calls. I help my friends and family when they need it, if I can do it. I am trying to breath without feeling like I am gasping for air...which isn't everyday, but when it does happen, it is not something I can really control. I paste that smile on my face, and don't feel it in my heart.
My heart has been broken, and glued back together again. Like humpty dumpty. I have picked up the pieces of betrayal, outrage, and hurt, and put them all in the trash can, and pulled up my big girl panties and moved on. But I don't know if I can do it anymore, because to be honest, I am really really PISSED OFF.
People think they have a right to say things that they don't. And they think that it is out of " good intentions" when in fact, all it is is hurtful, and just mean. And when I fight back, I get burned, repeatedly.
People don't know how to be kind, courteous, respectful, even thankful. They don't know how simple it could be to just say a kind word, not just to me, but anyone.
Hey, you're doing a great job, I am proud of you. I admire what you are doing. I'm here if you need me, and I really mean it....those are some of the biggest things.
I just really need to get some stuff off of my chest. And as I sit here tonight,tears rolling down my face, chest tight, I don't know if it did me good, or bad, but I know that I said what was in my heart. And that is all that we can do. Be honest, be good, be kind. You never know what a difference it will make in a persons life, including mine.