Sunday, October 9, 2011

As I....

As I sat this morning, on my front porch, watching the leaves dance, and the cool fall breeze brushed my face, I felt more at peace than I have in a while. Yesterday was a low day for me, a hard day. I don't like feeling that way, at all. I have not felt like that in many, many days. The thing is that I have to take a step back and re-evaluate what goes on in my heart and head. I have to think things through, and realize that everyone isn't going to understand where I am coming from, because no one walks in my shoes.
I am not afraid to say what is on my mind, or to speak what is in my heart. I have no problem coming across as a bitch, lover, mom, wife, sister, aunt, daughter or friend. I know how to use the words that I learned when I was just a wee little one.
Because of those words, I have been given a gift of word vomit.
Yep, I said it.
Definition: Opening your mouth and having everything that is inside of you spill out all at once.
I know that this should see funny, but really it isn't. It has gotten me in trouble at times, and at other times, opened up doors that hadn't been.
So, my word vomit for tonight is this...
I talked with an old, dear friend tonight. Thanks to her, I got a lot off of my chest. Things that I haven't been able to talk about with anyone, for fear of causing what is already broken to go beyond repair.
I was able to just let everything go, and to cry a little, and laugh a lot. I was able to be me for a moment in time, where I didn't have to watch what I said, or what I did, knowing that if it was not what others expected, I wouldn't be questioned to death.
I took peace in the sounds of our laughter. I took peace in the feeling of anxiety that left me when I hung up the phone with her, because that anxious feeling returned today, even watching those leaves dance, and that breeze brush my face.
I have had many people walk in and out of my life, and I know who is true. I know who is there until the end of time, no matter what. If you can't love me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. And I will have bad days, and I will have moments of word vomit that you won't agree with, but I am a good person. A kind person. I am the type to pay for the car behind me at Dunkin Donuts, just to pay it forward a little because I never know what kind of day anyone is having. I try to smile and make eye contact.
Because you can tell.
You can see it if you really look.
You can see sadness, happiness, fear, rage, can see it all in the eyes. And when you see it, don't ignore it, do something about it. Even if it is something as simple as holding a door, or making up the extra change that the mom with three kids in front of you doesn't have.
I want to be happy. I want to live free. These are things that evade me sometimes. And I don't look for reasons to be miserable, they just seem to find me. Thank goodness I have an outlet to release what I feel......
because there are people that don't know how to. There are people that cannot let go. And this is the best way that I could ever think of for letting go. I need to let go of the negative. Need to keep the positive.
Instead of being angry that I did something for someone, and I didn't get a thank you, I need to know that I did it because I wanted to, not because I wanted recognition for it (although it is awfully nice to receive said recognition LOL)
In all fairness, I don't write my blogs because I am looking for sympathy or kind words. I write them because if I don't, then I start to implode. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I wrote anything until I started reading through.
And when I realized that, I came to see that it was time to start sharing again. Because through sharing what I am thinking, feeling, seeing, hearing, I am able to receive a chain reaction. And I never know who is going to see this, but maybe, just maybe, someone out there is feeling the same way I am. And it could be that someone just didn't think that there was anyone that was in that same place.
It helps, it really helps.

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