In the beginning....

I moved to Mexico, NY my 7th grade year....1985.
So long ago it seems, but that was the year that I met the man that would become my future husband.
He played tuba.
I played the percussion section.
He was just a skinny little thing, and the tuba was bigger than he was!
My first day, they thought I was a student teacher....
There was such a big difference.
I was the girl that other girls hated.
Don't know why, didn't care.
He was the one that people tried to push out the window on the school bus.
He was goofy, and laughable, and loveable all at once.
And the day that I met him, I knew that he would be my friend forever..
But I had no idea what the future would bring for us....who EVER knows that?
My 8th grade year, he moved up to the high school ( he was a year ahead of me) and we lost touch for a while...
But the following year, we were back together again, and I always thought of him as my best friend.
He would pick me up in his dad's old pick up truck...and I was ALWAYS terrified because on the passengers side, there was a giant hole in the floor, and I could watch the road fly by me....
I remember ONE time, he picked my sister up to go to the movies, and I was insanely jealous! This was MY friend, not hers...back off!!
His junior year, he asked me to be his date at prom....right after he literally killed the entire bus with one of his amazing farts....windows down, people bellyaching over the stench, and he turns to me and said..."so, you're going to prom with me right?"
Now, how could a girl refuse that?
We had the best time.
I was so excited, he was so nervous.
We rode there in his Uncle's amazing classic car...can't remember what it was because I am starting to get tired (finally!)
We danced the night away...and the theme was Wonderful Tonight...

Everytime I hear that song now, it takes me back to that 16 year old girl...

The following year, it was MY prom time, and who else would I want to go with other than Dennis?
I asked, he said yes.
He showed up there, at my house, still nervous about my dad....
I drove my camero this time...and on the way there, just as we turned on the road to go to our high school, he reaches over and takes my hand...
I said, " what are you doing?"
He replies..."holding your hand."
Simple enough....
He graduated that year, and went off and joined the Navy.
He wrote me.
He came home from boot camp, and he wasn't this dorky little kid anymore...he had suddenly turned into a man somehow, and I will never forget the day that he walked into that bandroom while I was putting away my saxaphone...
Trench coat, military uniform....same goofy grin, and those amazing BC glasses...for those of you who don't know what that is...they are BIRTH CONTROL glasses...the UGLIEST things EVER!!!
My heart was pounding, my head was spinning, he had gained weight, and he just looked so GOOD to me...
That night was our annual band dance...he came to say goodbye. He was shipping out to Japan for four years.
My heart was broken...because I finally realized after all those years that there was something much much deeper to our relationship.
But, how do you say that....
I didn't, and he hugged me goodbye, and I went and sobbed on the bleachers in that old high school gym like a BIG. GIANT. BABY.
He left for Japan, and four years of 5 in the morning phone calls, and many letters (with my name spelled wrong ...pamala instead of pamela)....
I went off to college...FREEDOM was NOT my friend...
I had left behind that high school crush (which is what I was SURE it was) and I had my fun....and in the end, I didn't just bring home a GPA of 3.2, but also a beautiful, healthy 8 lb. 7 oz baby girl.
Dennis came home when she was only 4 months old...
The following conversation that ensued went something like this...
"so, I heard you had a baby..."
LOL
Yes, I had. He didn't know what to say, or how to say it, but he picked up the phone to call me...
And one of the very first pictures I have of the three of us together was in his parents house later on two nights later...
As I was sitting on that old couch, I looked across the living room at him, and the lights were low, and he wasn't wearing those BC glasses anymore, and his hair was longer on top, and he was tan, and he had this big, shit eating grin on his face, like he always does....and my heart flipped.
A thousand times...it flipped...and my breath caught.
THIS was not what I expected!
Almost two years had passed since that night in the high school gym...surely this wasn't real...
But, it was.

He left to go back to Japan, and while he was there, more letters came....and one day, as I was floating in the pool, my mom brought me back a purple envelope...addressed to Pamala Griswold...LOL
Still spelling the name wrong..
I said to my mom...I am gonna marry this man...she said, ya think...and I replied, nope, I know.

In retrospect....

I have been blessed by many things....seen beautiful places I otherwise would not have if it weren't for our life together.
I have met people along the way that have touched my life in ways that I never could have imagined.
I have learned that life is ALWAYS going to throw you curveballs...some you will catch, some you will strike out on.
But I have learned more in the past six months about myself than I ever thought possible.
I am strong.
I am a good mom.
I am a good friend.
I am a good daughter.
I am a good wife.
I am a good listener.
I am a good sister.
I am a good sister-in-law.
I am a good daughter-in-law.
I give back what I recieve.
I believe that God is watching over me, and that He came into my life for a reason last January.
I sometimes overdo and believe in people too much, and I get hurt in the end, but for some reason, I am always there to hold my hand out to pull people back up on their feet again.
Everything happens for a reason, and right now, although I don't know what that reason is, I cannot question it, because it only makes it more difficult for me.

I have a good support system...people close, and people far. If I EVER needed anything, I know who I can rely on, and I have learned who I cannot.
My best friend is four states and nine hours away, and when he is out to sea, out on deployment, it is easier for me to deal with our separation. I know that may sound strange, but the military spouses out there know exactly what I mean.
I have cried many many tears in the past 13 years, but not more than I have cried in the past 6 months.
My husband.
I miss him .
His smell, his touch, his laugh, his snoring...the way that he always looks at me like he did when we met ALL those years ago back in 7th grade.
We have an amazing story....one worth telling, and when it is all done and over, when this life no longer rules the one that we have built together....we are going to tell it. It spans over 20 + years of friendship, of laughter and tears....of eventually becoming partners in life.

We keep a journal. This journal is over eight years old. We have written back and forth in it for all of those years, through all of our trials and tribulations.
It is the story of us...the one that tells who we are, who we were, and who we have become.
Our love is deeper than either of us realized. Stronger than I ever thought....This man...I love him. I love him. I love him. Forever, for always, infinity.

Today....

It should really be entitled tonight...
I am having a hard time sleeping tonight.
I awoke this morning to a text message from my husband, telling me that he had been up since five in the morning, and he couldn't sleep because he was missing me....
To say that those words break my heart is an understatement.

Dennis and I have been married now for 13 years and 6 months. We have had our ups and our downs, but we have never been through anything like this.
When we moved "home" 4 years ago, we had all those months to discuss the impact that this decision would have on our family. Not just the five of us, but our ENTIRE family. I don't think that we knew what we were getting ourselves into.

Our marriage has been reduced to e mails, text messages and phone calls. Sometimes, it is to talk of nothing, sometimes it is to talk of everything.
I have heard all of the sayings...that which hurts us only makes us stronger...God never gives us more than we can handle....absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The thing is...my husband is a Chief in the United States Navy. He signed a contract that made his life no longer his own, one that made him become property of the US Military.
We didn't come in his sea bag, but we have been there every step of the way.
I have questioned our decision on more than one occassion, and we are only six months into this four year separation.

I do not believe that we made the wrong choice. I have weighed the pros, I have considered the cons. The cons outweigh the pros as far as packing up and leaving.
When we married, I did not know what I was "getting into". I don't think that any spouse of a military personnal does. I believe with every ounce of my being that the wedding vows should be different for us. I think that they should not just include the for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part.
It should also include...through sea trials and deployments, through unexpected wars and duties, do you understand what this life will lead you to?

We were 22 years old when we got married. A ready made family with a baby on the way. Eventually, there were three children total who's little lives we also were responsible for. 13 moves in less than ten years is not what you would wish when raising a family, but it is part of this life. As I posted earlier, a beautiful disaster of a life.

I sang "Where've You been?" by Kathy Mattea to my husband on our wedding day...

Pam had all but given up when she and Dennis fell in love....she touched his face and shook her head, in disbelief she sighed and said...in many dreams, I've held you near, now at last your really here...
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day.
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away.
He asked for her hand for life...and she became a sailor's wife. He was home each night by eight, but one stormy evening, he was late...
Her frightened tears fell to the floor...until his key turned in the door....
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and day.
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away.
They never spent a night apart...
For 60 years she heard him snore...now their in the hospital...
In separate beds on different floors...
Pam soon lost her memory...forgot the names of family.
She never spoke a word again, but then one day they wheeled him in....
He held her hand and stroked her head
And in a fragile voice..she said......
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day....
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away...no, I'm just not myself when you're away......

If I had known then what I know now, I would have foreseen into the future that the chorus to that song was a perfect fit for the life that that 22 year old girl was about to lead....with her beautiful husband, and beautiful children.
I am the proud wife of a United States Navy Chief.
I am the proud wife of a man who believes in what he does, and does it in the best possible way.
I am the proud wife of a man who leads his people in such a way that they respect him and I am proud that I can call him my husband....
But I am just not myself when you're away......

Daily Struggles...

Listen for the music in all things and life will be a sympony of joy......We may not have it all together, but together we have it all....Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life....YOU are the author of your own life story....God talks to little boys while they are fishing....When I die, bury me in the woods so my husband will hunt for me...We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.....We do not remember days, we remember moments.....The best thing to hold in life is each other.....Always kiss me good night....and in the morning too.....Life is not measured by how many breaths you take, but by how many moments take your breath away.

These are all signs hanging in my house. Little reminders on a daily basis of what my life has offered me, and I have thankfully recieved. Too often, we forget what it is to be thankful, and focus on the negativity that life has handed us instead. I know I have done that many times myself and, for once, I am going to focus on NOT focusing on the negative.


Thirteen years of ups and downs, and I would NOT have had my life any other way.
I have become who I am now because of the life that I have led....even if people don't understand some of the choices I have made. In the end, the people that are meant to be in my life will be there, all judegements aside. And I will know who was true.

I am blessed with three of the most amazing children, who have been through more in their short little lives than most adults I know. They are strong, they are beautiful, they are the reason that I get out of my bed each morning, and say a prayer each night that God watches over them.

I am blessed with a man that loves me...unconditionally. Regardless of my mood, my shape, my size, my hair color, or my insanity that sometimes takes over in a fit of rage. He brings out my best, and he can sometimes bring out my worse. But in the end, when all is said and done, there is not ONE person in this world that I would want by my side, walking through this life with me. He is my heart...times infinity times google.

I am blessed with good family and good friends. I have people that know I am crazy, and still love me nonetheless. Who have stood by me through bad and good decisions, and moments of pure loss of judgement where even I didn't know what in the world I was talking about. Who have laughed with me, who have cried with me, who have been there when I least expected it, and who have come when I didn't think they even knew I was hurting.

I was diagnosed with severe depression, insomnia, severe anxiety and panic disorder back in January of this year. Since then, there have been many changes. Not only in my life, but in the life of those around me. When people are alone, or think they are alone, there is no hope.
I have hope.
I have the hope that someday, I will be able to get out of my bed, and not have my body feel like that of a ninety year old woman from all of the aches and pains that I should not have at my ripe old age of 35.
I have hope that this war will end. That somehow, someway, all of the prayers that have been been said will be answered.
I have hope that I have taught my children how to be good people, and that people can see that, even when I am not there to put them back in place.
I have hope that they will find a cure for fibromyalgia.
I have hope that they will find a cure for NF.
I have hope that in time, the peace that I am trying to find will surround me.

So, until that day comes, I will be thankful, and I will remember that I am blessed. I will read my little signs all over my little house each morning when I wake up and am walking around fuzzy eyed with my perfect coffee that my little girl made me. And, each night before I go to bed, I will do the same, and then I will say a prayer, thanking God for giving me this beautiful disaster of a life that I have...because without it, I would not know who I was or where I was going....

Sunday morning 12:25 a.m.

I am at the beginning of a new day, when I should be at the end of the previous one, already asleep.
Sleep, these days, does not seem to be my closest friend. When I try to go to bed, and I DO try, it is as if there are ten thousand thoughts running through my head the prevent me from falling into my REM. The fact that my husband is not next to me is blatent, and the fact that I am not ok with that disturbs me more than I ever though it would.
I am a Navy wife.
I have been a Navy wife for a little over 13 years.
I did not enlist into the military, I married it.
I did not come in the seabag, therefore, I am a small part of the bigger plan.
My husband is a US Sailor, a Chief to be exact.
When I married this man that I love with all of my being, I did not know what I was getting into. I knew the man that I was marrying, I did not know the baggage he came with...the United States Navy.

Through out the years, we have had to make decisions based upon our lives in the moment. How old were the kids? Who was in school? How would this affect us? How would we make it?